A Sad Day

September 4

I am two weeks past my last chemo treatment.  From my experience with the first treatment, I should feel excellent by now.  I don't.  I'm almost too tired to leave my bed.  All I want to do is sleep.

I'm emotional, too.  I think it's just dawning on me that I have breast cancer and that it's a very serious type of breast cancer.  Oh, I know ... the surgeon removed the tumor and the margins were clear.  There was no lymph node involvement.  All of this is excellent news.

Still.  I have breast cancer.  Or I had a cancerous tumor, until the surgeon removed it.  And now I'm getting chemo and the reason is in case there are random cancer cells floating around in my system.  Sometimes cancer cells escape through the blood and not through the lymph nodes.

I had a test that estimated I had an 84% chance of NOT having a recurrence.  I don't like those odds.  I'm now living with the fear of getting mets and breast cancer usually metastasizes to the brain, the bones, and/or the liver.  This is my daily fear.

I've never been much of a pill taker.  Sometimes I even forget that I can take a Tylenol for a bad headache.  Now, however, I'm taking so many drugs that they're lined up beside my bed.  I'm taking drugs to deal with the side effects of the drugs that deal with the side effects of the chemo.  My port incision became infected so I took massive amounts of penicillin that caused new side effects.  I have three over-the-counter medications and one prescription to deal with the penicillin side effects.  I have medications for constipation, diarrhea, nausea, heartburn, joint pain (caused by a shot to treat the side effects of a compromised immune system caused by chemo).  I take steroids to deal with chemo side effects.  One of the new side effects I've developed is sores in my mouth and on my lips and a fingernail that is beginning to lift.  All of this is because of chemo.

Also, the chemo I'm taking can cause heart problems, so I'll be getting a heart ultra sound again in three months.  My body is not the same and never will be and I'm scared.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I don't like that one bit.  I don't like all the pink doo-dads that manufacturers sell to make money in the name of breast cancer awareness.  Sure, they say a portion of the sales will go to 'breast cancer awareness,' but how much is that portion?  I'll bet it's no more than 5 cents on the dollar, at the most.  My disease isn't pink and I don't want to be affiliated with the pink ribbons, the pink hats, shirts, pajamas, the coffee mugs, or magnetic pink ribbon car tags or license plate holders.  I want ALL my money to go for research, not for 'awareness.'  What is that anyway?  Awareness will not cure me, nor will it keep another woman from getting breast cancer.  

We need research.  More and more research and we need it fast.  Not in ten years.  Now.

That's the end of my rant.  I'm scared and I'm tired.